chivalry

why do i enjoy a man opening my door? after all, i am perfectly capable of handling a simple door-opening by myself. but to be honest, i really kind of like having a man do it. obviously, it’s not about what i can or can’t do on my own. there’s just something inside me that seems to enjoy and value the service of men. and lately, i’ve been starting to think that “something” might be a woman. if it is, then i’m pretty sure there’s a man lurking inside some of the guys i know too. just today, a random male stranger went far out of his way to open my door. so all this makes me wonder, could it be that it’s finally okay for men and women to be….well men and women again?

since i was a teen, it has always been more about modeling myself after the ideal construct of the strong, liberated modern woman—independent, powerful, assertive (did I mention independent?). need a man? are you nuts? not me. i am woman hear me roar! etcetera, etcetera.

i certainly would not want to appear anti-feminist in any way. the truth is, i am profoundly grateful for the rights and freedoms i have today. but there’s no doubt that the very necessary social movements required to secure fairness for women created some uncertainty around what it means to be male and female. feminist activists had to take the spotlight off the things that make us different and focus on our common humanity in order to drive home the point that we all deserve equal treatment. however, decades of emphasizing male and female “sameness” have left most of us frustrated and confused about how to reconcile our deeply rooted, biologically-based feelings and desires with our intellectually constructed social values. lately, the battle of the sexes has become more of an inner conflict matching our sense of who we are against our idea of who we should be.

certainly, the noble concept of who we should be has served us well over the years. our culture has always placed a high value on the pursuit of justice and fairness for everyone. the process can be slow, but our collective desire to hold ourselves to a higher and higher standard has been one of the driving forces behind the building of the most fair-minded societies in the world. there is no question we possess considerable will, reason and intelligence. 

like it or not, the instincts governing our interactions with the opposite sex are programmed into the most primal recesses of our dna. sure, we can pretend our intellects are completely in charge, but we’ve all seen how well that works out. furthermore, the media compounds the problem by reinforcing this dynamic at every turn. criticizing men has been in vogue now for quite a while, with positive representations of male qualities absent from most of popular culture. women, who’ve convinced themselves the best route to having it all is doing it all, have unwittingly shut men out of the roles that define them most fundamentally as men. add to that the unprecedented availability of and you have a recipe for disaster: men with little sense of self or purpose and scarcely anything to motivate them to excel.

i’m afraid women are no better off. we are relentlessly conditioned to think one way when instinctively we often crave something entirely different. we roll our eyes at macho posturing even though a man’s bold strength and courage make us feel safe. we complain endlessly about the audacity of the male ego, but it’s a man’s confidence that gives us faith in his wherewithal. and while it’s fashionable to sing the praises of a sensitive guy, i believe most of us prefer men who are thick-skinned and resilient (all that stuff about not being afraid to cry…please be a little afraid). with so much of what we’ve been taught to believe conflicting with what we instinctively desire, is it any wonder women are such a jumble of contradictions? unfortunately, admitting the truth leaves us open to being labelled needy, weak and unenlightened.

women want to be women, empowered by their many strengths but still vulnerable enough to need men, to enjoy and appreciate their unique talents and offerings. as for men, they seem even more gung-ho for change. most guys i meet light-up at the slightest gesture of affection for their battered masculinity. they want to be men for us, if only we’d let them.

i guess the good thing is we’re getting pretty close to some relief. enough of us seem to want the same thing: the freedom to be ourselves. so where do we go from here? personally, i think we just need to take it one door at a time. once we relax and allow ourselves to celebrate and enjoy the pleasures of our differences, the rest should happen naturally. it’s just not that complicated.